Retail blues...

I've always been able to tolerate, more or less, my part-time job at CVS. But lately, it's been really making me scream silently deep inside while I smile through my teeth at assholes. I think it's because I can see my biggest nightmare about to come true -- and I'm not kidding: my biggest, most terrifying fear is to "settle" and to live a mediocre life. It's the sole motivation behind anything I've ever done (gone to Smith, gone to Paris, deciding to go to grad school. But NOT behind majoring in comp lit -- pure love was behind that decision), considering that I am also a bit of a nihilist who thinks everything's rather pointless cause we're all going to die anyway. But yeah, I can see myself persuading myself that a "career" at CVS is alright because I have so much time to devote to my reading, my writing, my independent research, my internet trawling... And then I can see myself eventually giving up those things because there's no more motivation, starting to date the creeps who come in to the store, marrying one of those guys and living a miserable, horrible existence in some squalid split-level home in a miserable subdivision that is the mirror image of every other subdivision in the USA.... Oh god. I need to stop thinking about it. Or I'll spend my night unable to sleep, fretting about it until I cry.

Uh. Sorry. Sometimes, the hysteria comes out. But in a way....I am mildly grateful to this job because of the above effect. It's motivating me to escape this miserly existence. I spent part of today working on grad school statements and considering what I would do should I not be accepted in one of my schools of choice. I am NOT going to continue living like this for more than a year. If things haven't changed by next October....well, I'll do something drastice, like sign up to teach English in Japan or ask the Peace Corps to send me to Africa.